[Intro — Spoken, playful] Well, I said "I do"… She said "You better." And somehow that was legally binding. [Verse 1] We used to stay up talking all night long, Now we argue 'bout the thermostat song. She says, "It's freezing!" — I'm sweating through my shirt, I touch that dial, and suddenly I'm the worst. She says, "Honey, what do you wanna eat?" I say, "Anything." — That answer means defeat. "Pick a place!" — "I don't care." "Fine, we'll stay home!" Twenty minutes later… "Why'd you pick that?" [Pre-Chorus ] She says, "Do whatever you want." I know what that means. That's not permission— That's a warning with teeth. [Chorus — BIG, UPBEAT, SING-ALONG] Oh, marriage is a beautiful thing, You lose your freedom but you get a ring! You say, "Yes, dear," and you say it with a smile, Then quietly wonder if you'll survive another mile. We got love, we got bills, We got laundry on the hills, We got "Where'd you put my keys?" And "You moved 'em!" every week! Yeah, marriage is a beautiful mistake, Two crazy people making pancakes— One says, "I love you," The other says, "Okay…" And somehow we make it another day! [Verse 2] She buys twelve pillows for the brand-new bed, Then tells me there ain't nowhere to put my head. There's throw blankets covering every chair, I own one drawer and half a pair of underwear. She says, "We need to talk," and my heart starts racing, I start reviewing every crime I've been committing lately. "About what?" I ask, trying not to sweat. She says, "I forgot." Well… that's somehow worse yet. [Pre-Chorus ] She says, "I'm not mad." That's when I know I'm doomed. 'Cause "I'm not mad" Means the courtroom's already in session. [Chorus — BIGGER] Oh, marriage is a beautiful thing, You lose your freedom but you get a ring! You say, "Yes, dear," and you say it with a smile, Then quietly wonder if you'll survive another mile. We got love, we got bills, We got "Honey, pay those bills!" We got "Who ate my leftovers?" And "I thought you did!" Yeah, marriage is a beautiful mistake, Two crazy hearts and a mortgage payment, She steals the covers, I steal the remote, And somehow we're still keeping this boat afloat! [Bridge — Half-time, spoken/rap comedy] Let's review the rules of marriage real quick… Rule number one: She's always right. Rule number two: If she's wrong, see rule number one. Rule number three: Never ask, "Are you still mad?" Rule number four: If she says, "Nothing's wrong"… RUN. [Music builds] But truth be told, Through every fight and every bill, Every "Where are you going?" And every "Honey, sit still…" There's nobody else I'd rather drive me crazy. Nobody else I'd call my favorite pain in the— [STOP — spoken] …Actually, I'm gonna stop right there. [FINAL CHORUS — EXPLOSIVE] Oh, marriage is a beautiful thing! You lose your mind but you gain a queen! You lose the remote, You lose the bed, You lose approximately half your paycheck! But you gain a hand When the world gets rough, Someone who knows When you've had enough. Yeah, we laugh, we fight, We make up at night, We drive each other crazy— But somehow it feels right! [Final tag — call & response] ME: "Do you love me?" HER: "Of course I do!" ME: "Even when I'm annoying?" HER: "Especially then." ME: "You really mean that?" HER: "No." [BIG MUSICAL HIT] ME: Yep… That's marriage. [Outro — laughing] Wouldn't trade it for the world… …but I would like the thermostat back.