TV CUT (0:45 — tight opening theme)
(Intro — bright 90s synth chords, plucky guitar, funky bass; bold sax 4-bar riff answers)
Ohhh the gang got bored on a Tuesday night,
Said “Let’s bring crack back, it’d be so tight!”
But they forgot one tiny lil’ fact…
Crack was whack, and it’s still whack!
(Quick sax tag — 4 bars; whistle tag to end TV CUT)
—— FULL VERSION — 90s Sitcom Opening + Long Form (Sax Front-and-Center)
(Tempo: 100–108 BPM; sax lead answers vocal lines; short sax stabs punctuate punchlines)
Intro
(Plucky guitar, warm synth pads, walking funky bass; alto sax plays a catchy 4-bar motif under lead)
Ohhh the gang got bored on a Tuesday night,
Said “Let’s bring crack back, it’d be so tight!”
But they forgot one tiny lil’ fact…
Crack was whack, and it’s still whack!
(Alto sax answers — playful riff, 4 bars)
Verse 1
(Alto sax soft underscoring)
Brandon showed up with a trench coat on,
Said, “Y’all, I’ve got a plan to start at dawn!”
Pulled out charts, graphs, a whole attack—
A PowerPoint titled “Let’s Bring Crack Back!”
Soaren said, “Bro, this plan’s insane!”
Sting said, “I already called the baking-soda train!”
Theo was sleep-walking in the back like ‘facts,’
And I’m sittin’ there whisperin’, “Crack was whack.”
Pre-Chorus
(Whistle-and-sax tag between lines; tighten cadence)
They had brochures, a theme song, coach backpacks,
A jingle with handbells and tongue-in-cheek clacks—
They wanna make crack the new trendy lick…
But they forgot… crack was utterly whack.
(Sax stab — answer on every line)
Chorus (tight, singalong)
(Shorter cadence; sax counter-melody; crowd "whoa!" call-ins)
They’re tryin’ to bring crack back — but crack was whack!
They dress it up and spin it — but crack was whack!
Prancin’ like pied pipers of smack — but crack was whack!
No matter how they say it — crack was wha-aaack!
(8-bar sax riff celebrates the hook)
Verse 2
(Alto and tenor sax interplay; warm touch)
They planned a launch party on Park and Wolfie,
With cupcakes, confetti, a goofy banner lofty—
Said, “Let’s rebrand it! Call it ‘Retro Rocks’!”
I said, “You’re gonna end up in detox.”
They tried TikTok trends like “Crack Tok TWIST!”
But the algorithm said, “Umm… no thanks to this.”
Even their mascot — a squirrel named Jack —
Gave up and yelled, “CRACK IS WHACK!”
(Sax reply — playful 4-bar lick)
Soaren’s Sugarcoat Solo (New Verse)
(Salesman vocal; sax winks like a knowing friend)
Now Soaren stepped up with a wink and a grin,
Said, “Okay okay, maybe crack’s a little sin…”
“But hear me out, squad, don’t give me flak—
If we call it FREEBASE… it ain’t technically crack.”
He pulled out a chart with a rainbow stack,
A Venn diagram labeled “This vs. That,”
Sting facepalmed, Theo nearly threw his back—
And I yelled, “SOAREN. BABY. FREEBASE IS CRACK.”
He said, “But the word sounds fancy, like crème brûlée!”
I said, “Yeah, and arsenic sounds nice in French, hey!
